Merry Christmas

This is a Christmas tree.

It is not a Hanukkah bush,

It is not an Allah plant,

It is not a Holiday hedge.

It is a Christmas tree.

 

        Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas

 

                  Yes. CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!

 

Have a very Merry Christmas!!

Christmas fun

Hey, wanna have some fun this
CHRISTMAS?
Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD!
As they are working so very hard
to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part
of this holiday, we should all
send them a nice CHRISTIAN card
to brighten up their dark, sad,
little world.

Here's the Address, just don't
be rude or crude.
(It's Not the Christian Way, ya
know?)
  
ACLU
"Wishing You Merry Christmas"
125 Broad  Street
18th Floor
New York, NY  10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would
freeze their operations because
they wouldn't know if any were
regular mail containing
contributions.
So spend 37 cents and tell the
ACLU to leave Christmas alone.
NOW, go get your envelope and do
it before you forward this to
EVERYONE in your address book...
Do it BEFORE the postal rates go
up in Jan. and save yourself 2
cents.

The Dark Sucker Theory

               For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

    The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

    First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.

    So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.

    A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

    There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit.  When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right?  So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires. 

    Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker.  When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.  This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top.  The is why it is called light.

    Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, because
of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by
a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that
is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it
to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object
away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the
object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.' Some
surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark
from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark
Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

The Last Page of the Internet

 

Congratulations!

This is the last page.

Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet.

There are no more links.

You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive.

Go read a book, for pete's sake.

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid

 

Three homeschooling dads from Milpitas were out having a relaxing day fishing out of the Alviso Slough when one of them hooks something big, and when his buddies help him haul it in, they discover it's a mermaid. She begs to be set free and promises to grant each of them one wish in return.

The UCSC Extension professor just doesn't believe it and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, he starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The Varian Oncology scientist is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, and so on.

The Maxtor software guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking ... it'll change your entire view of the universe ... won't you ask for something else? ... a million dollars, long life, sex appeal ... anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the third guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

He's now a homeschooling mom.

Being A Parent

 

1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.
2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree.
3. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
4. Your life's "Golden Age" is the period in your life when your kids are to old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car.
5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn...same results.
6. To be in your children's memories tomorrow one must be in their life today.
7. The best advice regarding raising your children is to really enjoy them while they are still on your side.
8. A home's temperature is best maintained by warm hearts, not cold words or hot heads.
9. "The Joy of Motherhood": What a woman experiences after she puts the last tyke to bed.
10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so that he or she can tell when they are REALLY in trouble.
11. Your children may outgrow your lap...but NEVER your heart.
12. God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so that you may listen twice as much as you speak.
13. The only true child experts are those that do not yet have any of their own.
14. Cleaning house with the children at home is a lot like snowblowing during a blizzard.
15. There are only two things that your child is absolutely willing to share: Communicable Diseases and their mother's age.
16. Remember this? "When you grow up and have children of your own, I hope that they are JUST LIKE YOU!" It worked.
17. True genetics have nothing to do with hair and eye color. It's their occurrence of such things as "Who said life was FAIR", and Because I SAID so!" when you SWORE you'd never use those on your kids.
18. Practice what you preach even covers never letting them see you snag those Ding Dongs for breakfast.

Answers

Yes, it comes after the third of July!

 

1, Just one!

 

12, all of them!

 

6, three per side!

 

No - because he is dead!

 

70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)

 

2, you took them, remember?

 

60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

 

9 (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)

 

Zero ... it wasn't Moses ... it was Noah

 

 

Meat, a butcher weighs meat!

 

12. There are 12-2cent stamps in a dozen!

 

The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried!

Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel.

Quiz time

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No
   
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
   
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
   
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
   
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Yes/No
   
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 
   
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
   
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
   
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 
   
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
    
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? 
    
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
    
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border. In which country do you bury the survivors?
    
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
    

Sneak a peek

I'm a courious kind of guy, and I was always told not to sneak a peek at the Christmas gifts. Well, one time when I was a kid, around 8-10, I was temporarily overcome with courisity that I yeilded to temptation and snuck a peek at the gifts. I didn't know who would be getting which presents. I must admit knowing the gifts beforehand ruined the fun on Christmas morn even though I got what I wanted. Were you ever courious enough to sneak a peek? DId it ruin your Christmas?

Welcome to my nightmare! Try it.

http://www.websudoku.com/

Spirit of Life

"For the Law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the Law of Sin and Death" (Romans 8:2).

Does a fish become a fish by swimming under the water, or does it swim under the water because it is a fish? Does it say to itself, "I am a fish, therefore, I must learn to act like a fish. I must remember to breathe through my gills and move my body back and forth." Absolutely not. Or what about a bird? Does a bird become a bird once it learns to fly through the air? Or does it fly through the air because it is a bird? Which is it? Of course, the bird is a bird, and therefore it flies. It does not have to be instructed per se, but when it is pushed out of the nest it flaps its wings. It is its nature to do so. So doing does not create being, doing flows out of being.

Now the Law of Life in Christ does not try to make us into something we are not. The very presence of the Life in us demonstrates that Christ already indwells us. We are not trying to be like Christ, and we are not trying to live like a Christian. Since we ARE in Him, we WALK in Him. Our works come from what we are, not what we are trying to be. We do not receive His Life so that we can work very hard to be like Jesus. That is like the fish having to remind itself that since it is a fish therefore it must swim. Or, like a bird having to keep telling itself through positive confession that it must remember to fly. Yet Christians keep reminding themselves, "Now that I am a Christian, I must remember to read the Bible, pray, and live a holy life. I must not forget to love my neighbor and smile no matter what happens." Can you see the problem here? With this mentality we cannot cooperate with the Life, because we would be depending on our life instead of His.